Part time husbands
By Syeda Sara Abbas
When I first got
married and moved to the USA I never thought four words could make a difference. I came
to abhor the ring of telephone and those dreaded words, "I am going to be a little late,
there is a case in the emergency room."
I am married to a part time husband - a medical resident (a tough clinical training after medical school)
who works 120 hours a week and sleeps the rest of the week. I am one of Pakistan's expanding export item -
a bride. America has millions of Indians and Pakistani expatriates, but women like me will hardly meet
them as my husband has little time to come home, let alone socialize.
I landed in the States six days after my marriage in Karachi with a husband whose working hours were 5 to 9.
I know of the immense personal struggle that comes with the move, along with the sacrifices, the courage,
the tenacity that mark the brides' stories, the I-am-having-a-blast phone calls they make back home and the tears
that come later and the ornate dresses made with such care, that gather dust in closets on silent evenings
when their husbands are on call.
In Pakistan a doctor doing his residency in the States translates into a prime catch, because of the money, the status and a
in-law free environment. It is a proposal parents pray for and never refuse.
Eighteen year old Maleeha was doing
her Bachelors degree when such a proposal came. "I arrived in New York in the night. The next morning my
husband had a two day call (48 hours medical duty)", says she. Alone in the apartment, she startled at every
nighttime creak. She had lived in a traditional home in Pakistan full of grandparents, servants and cousins.
"I could not take the silence", Maleeha explains. Finally she put on the TV and switched on all the lights.
When her husband Asad came back he was too tired to notice what he was eating, too tired to talk. She
says,"I knew this would not be the traditional marriage where he would take me out shopping or visiting."
She did not know driving or the bus routes, so was virtually imprisoned within the four walls.
Maleeha had some idea of her husband's work schedule but feels it made no difference in coping.
She says, "All it boils down to is your personal relationship with your husband. If he is loving, all
sacrifices are easy". In her case email, soap operas and chat sessions on MIRC with her married
sister in Detroit bailed her out of her almost spouseless life.
Sidra married a resident in Pennsylvania six months ago. She, an outspoken feminist who studied in Britain,
feels coping is easier, "If you are willing to learn and forget self-pity." Sidra is now learning to cook
and manage household accounts with no holds barred. Sidra has 'no escapist dreams' of going back. She
is cultivating her unknown domestic side with flower arrangement and Continental cooking. She finds
the resident's monthly salary of $2000 after taxes, confining. "Its living hand to mouth as we are saving
for our trips to Pakistan, paying off phone bills, car insurance and saving for the future." All shopping
is done at the cheapest stores such as Wal Mart while cinema and dinners outside become once-a month-feature.
Sidra and other wives laugh at the myth of doctors being goldmines. The two thousand dollar salary
level is lower than that of a taxi driver. "After the residency, salary levels in the fellowship program
fall even lower, which means a total of seven years of belt tightening." Couples with kids worry about
teething problems and medical bills. To add to the aggravation, almost all residents send home money. Sidra, whose
husband has three studying brothers says, "Families have a lot of expectations. Everyone assumes
if you live in America as a doctor you must be fantastically rich."
Dr. Irfan, a graduate of Pakistan's prestigious Aga Khan Medical Medical College throws some light on the
plight of these women, "These girls can't work as their J2 visa will not easily allow them to do so,
therefore they end up choosing volunteer work." He knows many Desi couples who divorced within an year
as the bride could not cope. He says, "Most young women hail from the rich Pakistani middle class
and are educated and independent. In America their degrees, work experience and skills are worthless.
Here they struggle to read the correct price labels and remember street signs. Cooking, cleaning,
laundry, doing groceries, relegated to servants back home, throws them further off balance."
In tough talking Sidra's words, "You have to be a man to be a resident's wife."
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